all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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