she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
