Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
