I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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