I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
