Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
