I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
