don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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