did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
