I just saw a hot homeless man
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize