Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
