New invention idea: vibrating tampons
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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