Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
