Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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