I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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