Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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