idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
