dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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