Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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