I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
