You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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