oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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