I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
