Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
