Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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