walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
