guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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