last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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