omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
