Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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