the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
