I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I will pee on everything he values.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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