the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm too high and old for this...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
