don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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