Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
