birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
where are my eyebrows?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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