Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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