His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
did i just pee glitter
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
