Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
