but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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