Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
