Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
