I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
