I'm gonna have a badass scar
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
