So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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