Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
