I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
