no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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