Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
