Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
