I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
