How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
