Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
