upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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