After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My breasts were aching with rage.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize