I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
