Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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