I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Damn victory sex feels great
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
So. Much. Porn.
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