i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
