Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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