Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
