I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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