you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
