I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
