Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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